Dinner With the Acolytes
by ColdFusion180
Summary: It's dinnertime for the Acolytes and the food isn't what Magneto expected.


**Dinner With the Acolytes**

"I should be the one to do it!" Pyro shouted.

"Not on your life!" Remy snapped and tried to tackle him.

"Well you are certainly not going to be the one!" Piotr blocked Remy's path and shoved him backward.

"Oh, and you think you will?" Pyro said jumping on Piotr's back.

Piotr grabbed Pyro by the collar and easily threw him off. "Yes I do!"

"I don't think so!" Remy drew his staff, hooked it between Piotr's legs and with one fluid motion sent him tumbling to the floor.

"Good job, now go join him!" Pyro knocked Remy's staff out of his hands and knocked him to the ground.

"Think again!" Remy managed to snag Pyro's wrist and pulled him down as he fell.

"Surrender!" Piotr got to his feet and picked Remy and Pyro up by the front of their shirts.

"Never!" Pyro shouted as he tried to break free of Piotr's grasp.

"I've not yet begun to fight!" Remy brought his legs up and tried to twist them around Piotr's head.

"Banzai!" The three Acolytes continued their wild melee as they tried to pound each other.

"STOP THIS AT ONCE!" Magneto shouted as he and Sabertooth entered the room.

The three Acolytes froze in mid fight. Piotr held both Remy and Pyro three feet above the floor. Pyro had Remy in a headlock. Remy was positioned to deliver a kick to Piotr's head

"Line up now!" Magneto roared. "Now what is going on here? What are you fighting about this time?"

"Uh, stuff," Pyro offered.

"What 'stuff'," Magneto glared.

"We were just…trying to determine something," Piotr said.

"And what was that?" Magneto asked.

"Who's cooking dinner," Remy said.

"What?" Magneto blinked.

"This is our first evening where we've been in a position to make dinner," Remy explained.

"Yeah. Ever since we got here you've been putting us through tests and training our butts off so that we end each day so worn out that the only thing we can do is shove something in the microwave," Pyro said.

"We are sick of pre-made food and want the real thing," Piotr added.

"We'll we'd have real food if you two would just let me cook," Remy grumbled.

"I don't want that Cajun slop you'll make," Pyro scoffed. "Besides you'll love my barbeque."

"That food is too rich. I will make a nice simple meal…," Piotr began.

"SLOP! That's it! You're gonna die!" Remy yelled as he jumped Pyro.

"You first!" Pyro got his hands around Remy's neck and started to strangle him.

"Why don't you both die?" Piotr picked them both up and was about to slam them into the floor.

"WHY DON'T YOU ALL JUST COOK!" Magneto yelled.

"Hey, that's not a bad idea," Remy said letting go of Pyro. "We can all make our own dishes and everyone can take what they want."

"Like a contest?" Pyro asked.

"No, just a potluck," Remy said.

"A what?" Piotr asked.

"A sharing of food," Remy explained.

"Oh," Piotr nodded. "That sounds fine."

"Alright! Let's get cooking!" Pyro grinned.

"Unbelievable," Magneto groaned. "One minute they're trying to kill each other and the next they agree on things as if nothing has happened."

"Ya gotta admit, they provide some great entertainment," Sabertooth chuckled.

"Hey you gotta cook too," Pyro said.

"What?" Sabertooth looked at him.

"Yeah Sabes. We'll have a real international food festival," Remy said.

"Forget it," Sabertooth growled.

"Why not?" Piotr asked.

"I ain't gonna participate in your little catering party," Sabertooth turned and started to walk away.

"Aw, forget him," Remy grinned. "He's just too afraid to admit he can't cook."

"What!" Sabertooth stopped and turned around.

"Hey, it's okay. A lot of people are scared to reveal they have no culinary ability," Remy said.

"I'm not scared of anything!" Sabertooth boasted.

"Oh, so you admit you can't cook?" Remy asked.

"I can cook!" Sabertooth shouted.

"Sure you can," Pyro said patronizingly.

"I can!" Sabertooth roared.

"Prove it," Piotr challenged.

"Fine I will!" Sabertooth shot back as he marched toward the kitchen.

"Alright, let's go!" Pyro said as Remy and Piotr followed him out of the room.

Magneto just stood in shock at what he'd just witnessed. "I never understand how they do it…"

* * *

"Man, who'd have thought there'd be a storehouse of ingredients here," Remy said as he chopped onions.

"I can't believe Mags would have this much stuff around," Pyro agreed while mixing some dry mustard into a bowl of spices. "Wonder how he got all this stuff. You don't think he actually went out and bought it, do ya?"

"I doubt it," Piotr said as he stirred a pot of something on the stove.

"Let's see," Sabertooth murmured while studying an open cookbook. "Preheat oven to 350 degrees. What does preheat mean?"

"It means warming up the oven before you put the food in," Remy said slicing up celery and green peppers at the same time.

"Hey, where's a stepladder?" Pyro asked as he tried to get some cayenne pepper from a high shelf.

"I will assist you," Piotr easily reached the shelf and handed the cayenne pepper to Pyro.

"Thanks mate," Pyro said and liberally added the pepper to his bowl.

"Hey, same some of that for me. Hmmm, this rice is browned just right," Remy removed a pot from the stove and placed an even bigger one in its place. "Now where's the sausage?"

"Come on, cut you stupid knife!" Sabertooth grunted as he struggled with some potatoes.

"Will anyone be needing the oven?" Piotr asked holding a tray.

"No," Remy and Pyro answered.

"Yeah," Sabertooth said. "Stupid knife!"

"You do know you're holding it upside-down?" Remy asked casually.

"This is gonna be great," Pyro rubbed his spices mixture into some pork. "Now ta get some wood chips."

Piotr dipped a spoon into his pot on the stove and tested its contents. "Hmmm, needs a little more thyme." He sprinkled in a little more.

"Scallion? What in the heck's a scallion?" Sabertooth scratched his head.

"Hey what's Mags doing?" Pyro asked.

"I think he's setting the table," Remy replied.

"How do you know?" Piotr asked.

Remy watched a collection of metal spoons, forks and knives rise out of a drawer and float across the kitchen to the door. "Just a hunch."

"This is gonna take a while yet," Pyro warned as he prepared to barbeque his pork.

"I can delay my final preparations if necessary," Piotr said.

"Great, since I need more time to finish this," Remy added some shrimp to his pot. "We should all be done at about the same time."

"CUT LENGTHWISE?! YOU JUST SAID CUT THE POTATOES IN HALF!" Sabertooth yelled at his cookbook.

"Hopefully," Piotr said.

* * *

"Okay," Magneto walked around the dining room table. "Plates, check. Silverware, check. Glasses, check. Bowls, check. Heavy duty napkins, check. Placemats, check. Stomach medicine, triple check," Magneto finished his list and sat down at the head of the table with three boxes of medicine next to him.

The door to the kitchen opened and Remy stuck his head out. "Ready, Mags?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," Magneto grumbled. "And don't call me Mags!"

"Then prepare for the finest meal of your life!" Remy said as the Acolytes entered the dining room carrying their dishes. Remy carried a covered pan, Pyro brought in a covered platter while Piotr held a large stewpot and basket.

"I highly doubt it," Magneto muttered as the Acolytes set their dishes on the table in front of their seats and sat down. "Where's Sabertooth?"

"Well, he's…" Pyro started.

"PA-PRIKA?! WHAT THE HECK IS PA-PRIKA?!" Sabertooth's roared from the kitchen.

"…having minor difficulties and will be out in a jiff," Pyro said.

"Great," Magneto groaned.

"Well, let's get started," Remy said gesturing to the stewpot. "The first course was made by Piotr and he will be serving…"

"Vegetable soup." Piotr picked up his stewpot and went around the table ladling its contents into everyone's bowls.

"Mmmm," Pyro sniffed the contents of his bowl. "Smells good."

"There are rolls also," Piotr said as he finished serving everyone and sat back down.

"Not bad," Remy said grabbing a few rolls from the basket and passing it around.

Magneto blew on a spoonful of soup and carefully sipped it. He blinked. "This is surprisingly good."

"Better than good, this is great!" Pyro slurped his soup.

"This is nice," Remy commented as he ate his soup.

"Thank you," Piotr said between spoonfuls. The Acolytes ate in silence for a while.

"Well that wasn't so bad," Magneto said pushing his bowl away and wiping his mouth with a napkin. "What's next?"

"Wait. Is Sabertooth ready to join us?" Piotr asked.

"COOK YOU STUPID OVEN!" They heard Sabertooth yell. "NO NOT ON BROIL! BAKE! NO NOT CONVECTION BAKE! REGULAR BAKE! AAARRRGGGHHH!"

"I'd have ta say no," Pyro said.

"Moving on," Remy licked his spoon clean and set it down. "Next up is Pyro's creation that he calls…"

"Barbequed ribs!" Pyro grinned lifting the lid off his platter and revealing a huge stack of ribs. He began to pile ribs onto everyone's plates. "Made with a savory rubbing, mesquite smoked and no sauce."

"Mmmm," Piotr chowed down on his ribs. "These are very good."

"Very nice," Remy said as he polished off a rib and started on another one. "Just the right combination of spices and smoke to really bring out the flavor.

"I have to admit," Magneto licking his fingers. "These are the best ribs I've ever had."

"Well there's plenty more where they came from," Pyro finished his third rib and grabbed another roll from the basket.

Remy wiped his mouth with his napkin and then rose from his seat. "And now, brace yourselves for the greatest dish you've ever had, ever will have, and ever could have." He prepared to lift the lid from his pan. "The one and only…"

"Let me guess, gumbo?" Magneto asked.

"Close, but no cigar," Remy lifted the lid with a grand flourish. "Jambalaya!"

"_Jambalaya, a-crawfish pie and-a file gumbo_," Pyro sang. "_'Cause tonight I'm gonna see my ma cher amio._"

"Pyro cut it out! You sound terrible!" Remy scolded as he spooned a hearty portion of jambalaya onto everyone's plate.

"What was Pyro referring to?" Piotr asked.

"An old song," Remy said. "A song he was horribly butchering."

"Hey! I wasn't that bad!" Pyro protested.

"No you were worse," Magneto poked at his serving with his fork. "Are these oysters?"

"Yep," Remy said sitting back down and began digging into his food.

"Well here it goes," Pyro brought a forkful of jambalaya to his mouth and took a bite. His eyes widened and a grin appeared on his face. "I think I'm in heaven."

"Pretty good for 'Cajun slop', huh?" Remy smirked.

"Ahhhh…" Pyro sighed with his mouth hanging open.

"Pyro close your mouth and stop drooling!" Magneto scolded. "I don't need to see the half eaten food in your mouth."

"Wow," Piotr said and took a drink of water. "This is wonderful."

"Outstanding!" Magneto exclaimed as he savored the flavor of meat, butter, vegetables, and rice. "I should have had you all cook a long time ago."

"Well we could have this more often," Remy said. "If we had the time and weren't so worn out every day."

"Yeah. Well this will probably be a one time deal. We gotta get back to training and all," Pyro grinned and winked at Remy.

"Too bad," Piotr sighed.

"Wait just a minute," Magneto said. "I suppose I can afford to have you end training earlier in order to cook in the evenings."

"Does that mean shorter training sessions?" Pyro asked.

"I suppose it can be allowed," Magneto replied.

"Yes!" The three Acolytes cheered.

"Now where's Sabertooth?" Magneto asked.

Just then Sabertooth entered the room with a tray. "Alright, food's done," he said plopping the tray on the table.

Remy stared at the two unidentifiable blobs sitting in the tray. "What the heck are these supposed to be?"

"Twice baked potatoes," Sabertooth grunted.

"Twice baked?" Pyro asked prodding one with a fork. "They don't even looked half baked."

"Well if it wasn't for that crummy, worthless oven," Sabertooth grumbled. "Well have a potato."

"Uh, no thank you," Piotr refused.

"I SAID HAVE A POTATO!" Sabertooth shouted.

"I thinks he wants us to have a potato," Remy gulped as he took a small bite. He immediately made a face. "Yuck! These bacon bits are still raw. You undercooked them so much they're chewy."

"Bacon bits? I didn't include any bacon bits," Sabertooth said.

Remy stopped chewing. "Then what the heck are these little black things?"

Sabertooth looked at Remy's potato. "Oh those must be my…" Sabertooth stopped.

"Your what?" Pyro asked.

"Nothing," Sabertooth grunted.

"Victor…" Magneto glared.

"Well let me put it this way. Did you know that grater thing makes a great nail sharper?" Sabertooth asked.

Remy's eyes bulged. "GGAAAHHH! I'VE BEEN POISONED!" He spat out the contents of his mouth. "WATER!" He chugged the contents of his glass in a single gulp, swished it around in his mouth and spat it into his empty soup bowl.

"Oh, that's disgusting!" Pyro shuddered.

"And so wrong," Piotr grimaced.

"Here," Magneto fished out a bottle of medicine from a box and handed it to Remy.

Remy quickly downed the medicine and moaned. "My poor tongue. My taste buds will never be the same."

"What is that smell?" Piotr asked sniffing the air.

"Must be my other batch," Sabertooth said walking back to the kitchen. "Don't worry, these shouldn't have my nail bits in them."

"Yeah, with our luck they'll end up containing his hair," Pyro groaned.

"Ohhh…" Remy moaned.

"Perhaps we should not have asked him to cook," Piotr said.

"You think?" Magneto glared at him.

"LOCKED?! WHAT KIND OF OVEN COMES WITH A LOCK?!" Sabertooth was heard shouting.

"Uh oh," Piotr said. "That does not sound good."

"THAT'S IT YOU STUPID OVEN!" Sabertooth roared. "PREPARE TO DIE!"

"He's gonna attack an oven?" Pyro asked. "Boy that's a new one."

"YOU WON'T OPEN OR COOK WILL YOU?! WELL I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO COOK!" Sabertooth yelled.

"Sabertooth knows that's a gas oven doesn't he?" Remy asked.

SCCRREEEEEECCHHH!

"HERE! MISTER OVEN MEET MISTER STOVE!" Sabertooth shouted.

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped.

KA-BOOOOOMMMMM!

The door to the kitchen was blown clear off its hinges and crashed right into Pyro. Pyro and the door flew across the room and slammed hard into the wall.

"I take that as a no," Magneto groaned as he saw smoke rising from the open doorway.

"Ow," Pyro moaned as pried himself from the wall and slumped to the floor.

Sabertooth appeared in the doorway completely blackened with soot, holding a tray of ashen potatoes. "Potatoes anyone?" he asked in a dazed voice. Then he fell forward with his face landing straight into his potatoes.

"I will take Pyro to the infirmary," Piotr said picking Pyro up and carrying him out the door.

"I'm gonna go have my tongue disinfected," Remy moaned following Piotr.

"And I have to be more careful on who I recruit," Magneto groaned burying his head into his hands.

**

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the song "Jambalaya" by Hank Williams.**


End file.
